2014 also marks a different anniversary for me. May 2014 would mark 10 years since I left the LDS church. I don't often think about 'the church' as much anymore it's not really in my life, it's my past but many memories still linger. I was inspired to write this blog post on saturday evening. I was doing the pots and the flat was quiet as phil was out and suddenly caught myself singing 'I am a child of god' and then followed by 'I love to see the temple'. I suddenly stopped and laughed at myself how I was unconsciously singing these songs from my religious youth. I then started to contemplate the meaning of the words...Help me to understand his words, Before it grows too late.". All of a sudden this innocent song had a new sinister meaning and It hit me how mind controlling even the music was in this church. It's one of the first songs in childrens songbook (or atleast was prior 2004) and a sweet song but with such underlying meanings about obedience, not questioning leaders...all of the things I disagree with about the church.
My 'leaving' in 2004 was rather an odd one. It started at school during religious education GCSE classes, I had a fantastic teacher who led student centered classes and encouraged us to think critically about religion, medical ethics and this was probably the first time I'd ever really learnt how to question and appraise information before me. In doing so I then started to appraise what I was being taught about the church. I had readily accepted without question topics such as blacks holding the priesthood and had been told 'we'd find out more later' and I'd never known much about homosexual relationships. I'd never questioned to myself whether they were right or wrong or even been taught about them in the church. It was like a bomb exploded but I carried on.
I was 14 and musical director for my young women's group and also branch pianist. To sum up- I was being kept busy as a reason to stay in the church! I fully embraced my callings completely- I loved leading and teaching the YW new compositions and performing them, loved playing the piano at church and the compliments I received. I had something to contribute and share and it was fab. I had a group of friends in the church, went to youth dances, roadshows, mutual, temple trips. I wore modest clothes, didn't drink tea or coffee and even drank diet caffeine free coke...oh yes. I was fully absorbed in this. My whole family were mormons also, parents converted in their youth and had the standard temple marriage. So to be fourteen and suddenly have a billion questions it was a difficult time.
I questioned church leaders- I had a pompous branch president who never really answered my questions but gave me spiel such as 'I had a friend who was black and is ok with not having the priesthood for some time...' and I was told the same old rubbish of 'pray about it' 'read the scriptures more'. I turned to my parents and got told the same thing.
It was December 2003 that I decided the church wasn't true. Infact I'd always really known because logic told me so but I remember making that decision at a stake christmas music meeting. Logic told me that evolution is right as there is evidence for this, logic also told me that I wasn't happy in the church and that I was being made to feel guilty and that I should leave something that simply doesn't make me happy. I felt very peaceful I'd decided this and somehow felt that when the time was right i'd leave but I no longer felt guilty about who I was, for questions and just felt at peace.
I started seeing a boy who was a non-member and I remember sitting in sunday school silently mocking the classes and the ridiculousness being taught and laughing with him about it afterwards.
However I shouldered on for a time as i had these callings, something to keep me busy. That was until i got released out of these callings...rather suddenly! I was a good pianist, not going to lie. I recieved grade 7 with the ABRSM and loved playing the piano. I was all of a sudden told by a counsellor one sunday I was to be released and in my place was his daughter who'd probably only really had a couple of lessons. I was angry and at the time It must have looked like I was angry for loosing these callings and a position of power. I felt insulted- was I not good enough? I'd been told it had been a decision they'd 'prayed' about...hmmm..ok..no coincidence it was his daughter then. I remember angrily going to the car and wanting to go home, skip sacrament meeting. I cried and cried and looking back I feel it was a bit of an over dramatisation but all the anger, confusion I had over this church was pouring out.
The next week I announced I wasn't going to church, or mutual and that was it. The arguments following this in the house were extraordinary. I was screamed at, shouted, ordered, told I would have privileges taken from me, guilt tripped and made to feel like a second class citizen in my home and blamed for the 'family breakdown'. My mum praised my 'valiant' brothers for going to church I was just going through a 'phase'. One day they came home and guilt tripped me for not attending and pretended they'd 'recieved a special revelation' and I wasn't to know as I hadn't attended...bullshit it was, just guilt tripping bullshit. I probably kept going because I was a teenager and stubborn and I really don't know how I did keep going to be honest with the anger thrown at me by the family. Not only that but friends who I had either stopped talking to me or tried to get me to come back- not true friends really. I have a feeling a rumour was being spread about me 'going off the rails'. Far from the truth I didn't drink, have sex until much later in my teens.
I just kept on going. I wasn't happy in the church and was happier outside of it and that was enough for me to keep going. I felt normal, able to enjoy being a normal teenager with my friends. I enjoyed being who I was and not who I should be to please others. I started to feel angry towards the church when I learnt about their stance on homosexuality something I never quite grasped. It wasn't until I was in my late teens I learnt about all the other things which debunked the church such as polygamy, lying, covering up their history and weird rituals. It made me feel even more grateful I'd left this awful organisation. Occasionally I'd go back maybe for a meeting or mutual and occasionally for a homemaking session and all it did was reaffirm why I left.
The anger started to leave me as I hit 17/18. My parents no longer were screaming or shouting at me, rather quietly accepting what happened. I was enjoying life at sixth form and parties. University came around and I had a whole new freedom and I felt at peace with myself and the church. I was happy with this life I'd chosen and that was that. I watched as all of my 'mormon friends' who I'd grown up with got married and have kids at such young ages. I felt so happy I was studying, independant and had guilt-free freedom! I don't often reminisce on my time in the church but when I do I just feel sad, sad for the way I was being made to feel by others, the institution and leaders. I feel sad as a woman I was made to feel 'lesser' than my male counterparts and I still have a small bit of anger when I think back to that.
10 years on all I know now Is how lucky I am to have left. If i hadn't left the church I wouldn't be a nurse, I wouldn't be with my fabulous boyfriend and I wouldn't feel as self-assured, happy and confident as I do now having left. I received my letter to leave in 2012 It wasn't that I'd put off asking to be removed from records but more I'd simply forgotten or can't be arsed! I did it, recieved my letter and had about 30 seconds of 'well thats the end of that' and have subsequently lost the letter...it meant that little to me to recieve it.
I don't often talk about the church anymore, occasionally it's brought up as a 'random fact about me' and people are surprised. It's a part of me in the distant past and thats great and where it should be.
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